Is it a novel or a midlife crisis?

My son has finally (finally) decided on what university he’ll attend next year. It was a fraught process for a number of reasons. He’s an only, so hasn’t been able to watch the process up close before. There was a school with a solid reputation but a very high price tag in the mix, and then, when he’d settled on his decision, a last minute admit off the waitlist threw everything into turmoil again.

I suspect the biggest reason, though, is that this was the first truly adult decision he’s ever had to make. His dad and I gave him plenty of advice and support, of course, but ultimately we left it up to him, which means this is his first independent choice that will, for good or for ill, change the rest of his life, and in such a way he’ll never really know if he made the “right” call. He’ll never know how the other options might have turned out. No matter what happens – and there will be good days and bad days, like for everyone – there will be people he’ll never meet and experiences he’ll never have based on this one decision. No wonder he was freaking out a little.

Somewhat related, a couple of years ago we ¹ went to a Liz Phair concert. It was the 30th anniversary of Exile in Guyville, the album she recorded in her early 20’s as a song by song response to the Rolling Stones’ Exile on Main St. She played the entire album in order (plus some extras as an encore). It was a fun show, very nostalgic for me, as I wore out that CD in undergrad, although it also felt a bit surreal because it was in a newish venue in Boston, in a neighborhood that now looks like Generic American City and nothing like the Boston of my college years. Anyway.

Phair said something² that stuck with me about what her life was like at the time she recorded the album. Basically saying how, in your 20’s, everything is a mess including yourself, and you’re running around trying to make shit work, and failing more often than not and of course it’s nice to be on the other side in a place of security, but also, in hindsight, it’s such a magical time of your life, especially because of the people who were with you when you were going through it.

And ain’t that the truth. Do I want to go back to that time and place, when I was filled with so much doubt and uncertainty? Not really! I was miserable, actually, a lot of the time! Putting aside the Global Horrors for a moment (I know, I know), my life is quite nice now, and I don’t want to give it up! But, do I also sometimes long for the all the exhilarating, anxiety-spiked yet somehow delicious anticipation I had back then? The idea that I didn’t yet know how things would turn out? All the paths that were still open to me?
I mean, a little bit. Doesn’t everyone? Weren’t the days leading up to your childhood birthdays in many ways better than the actual day?

What I’m saying is, maybe that’s why I’m trying to publish a novel.

Trying to create an actual career in a creative industry – especially right now! (see again, Global Horrors) – feels a lot like being back in my 20’s. The constant rejection. The first flush of success. The realization that the first success doesn’t sustain you as long as you thought it would. The wondering if you’ll ever find success again. The people you meet who you’re sure will help you and instead ditch you, crying and drunk, on a curb.³ The people you meet who you form instant bonds with – some of which you know are only for a moment, some of which you know will last years and decades. The number of things you try that are mistakes, or that aren’t exactly mistakes but also aren’t successful, or that are successful in your head but no one else “gets it” or at least the people you need to get it don’t. The decisions you make that put you on a path that you hadn’t exactly planned and it seems to be working out okay, but maybe it wasn’t the right one and you’ll never know.

See what I did there?

It’s maybe the best of both worlds, going on this messy journey from the comfort of a steady marriage and lived-in home. Or maybe it’s simply a vain attempt to capture the magic of youth. I couldn’t tell you. But I’m enjoying it for now, and excited to see how it all turns out. I hope my son feels the same way.

Something I’m reading/watching/listening to:

The New Yorker Fiction podcast is a great (free!) resource if you want to learn more about how to read and interpret short stories. It’s hosted by the NYer’s editor, Deborah Treisman, and she invites an author to come on and read a story (by someone else) from the magazine’s archive. They then discuss the story afterwards, which I have found super enlightening, especially as someone who didn’t take much in the way of lit classes in college.

I’m sharing this episode, “Elephant” by Raymond Carver, because I was fascinated by how very differently I interpreted this story compared to Deborah and her guest! They chatted about how funny they found it while, to me, it was a story of quiet desperation. I only started reading Carver recently and, well, he’s as good as everyone says he is. I will say a good bit of my hesitation in reading him was the fact that I thought he and Raymond Chandler were the same person until like 5 years ago, and I’ve never been that into crime fiction, especially noir stuff.

Oops. Never too late to learn something new! Like that two authors with the same first name but different last names are actually different people.

What I’m working on:

A new book! It took a while for me to find a new project that I was really excited about, and I tried to force a different one to click when it didn’t really want to. This one I can’t stop thinking about, which is a good sign. I don’t like to talk about new work too much in the earliest stages, but it’s maybe a love story while definitely not a romance. It is currently entitled I Love You Like an Anglerfish, but this could change and probably will.

My work in the wild!

I generally write fiction, and more specifically work with speculative elements. My most recent publication is neither of those things. Instead, it’s a very non-speculative poem, entitled “Becoming an Optimist Against My Better Judgement.” It has been published in volume 3 of the Fiddlehead Folio, an anthology edited by the amazing K.W. Onley who is a fantastic writer and the founder of a non-profit called MetroWest Writers’ Guild. It’s a great arts organization, and if you buy the anthology, you can help support it (and get a collection of fantastic poetry and short fiction in the bargain)!

Thank you for reading! You can always find links to my work here on my website. If you have any questions/thoughts on what I’m writing/reading/watching or there are topics you’d like to see me cover, leave a comment or drop me a line here!

💕 Katie

1  As in my husband and I. I would not have wanted to be at this show with my kid, he can listen to Flower in his own time if he wants. IYKYK and if you don’t know what that acronym stands for, please don’t listen to that song or at least don’t tell me about it.

2  I am not a weirdo, or I try not to be one in public, so I did not take notes and this is very paraphrased.

3  Just metaphorically this time around, at least.